I've Compiled a List

Granted, the New Year has past, but I thought I'd kick off the 2011 with a list of my resolutions for the next 12 months.

I will not buy any televisions or cell phones or any other electronic devices because they will become obsolete and go on sale the moment I get them home.

I will not buy anything at Kohl's when they are having a sale. Are they ever not having a sale?

I will not use any medications they advertise on television, especially if they don't tell me what they are used for. Also, if they cause more problems than they cure, no thanks. Plus if part of their blurb says "tell your doctor if you have kidney problems," shouldn't my doctor know if I have kidney problems?

I will not, by 2012, know the difference between Lady Gaga and Katie Perry. I will not know any of their songs. This is more a reflection of what an old fuddy duddy I am.

What's a Justin Bieber?

By the way, are there still radio stations?

I will not vote for any member of any party that includes any sort of beverage in their name. Even if they invite me over to their house for tea, and have a view of Russia from their porch.

I will continue with my mission of informing full-grown adults with enough intelligence to hold down an executive position that wearing a baseball cap backwards is not cool.
I may expand that to baseball caps in general, unless you happen to play baseball.

I will try to go another year without a video game console.

I will try not to watch the news all day.

What's a Snooki?

I will continue to threaten to:
Go back to college
Learn French
Paint a masterpiece
Paint the guest room
Write my novel
Sell the movie rights
Win a Pulitzer prize
Adapt the screen play
Sweep the Oscars™
Make millions
Get my saws sharpened

I am also going to go to Home Depot and buy a long board to replace the rotting one on the edge of the garage.

I will endeavor to eat more Brussels sprouts and fewer Lima beans.

In 2011, I am going to find a good Restaurant in Fairfield county.

I am going to start practicing my banjo regularly and form a string band. We will entertain a growing number of faithful fans at local coffee houses only to be discovered by a big Hollywood talent scout. We will be skyrocketed to fame to the point that contestants on "American Idol," (which I will not watch for another year) will sing our songs. We will not forget the little people who were there when we were on our way up.

At the Grammy™ Awards ceremony I will refuse to duet with Taylor Swift or Kanye West.

I will not allow a ghost writer to help me with my memoirs. (Take that Keith Richards!)

They say if you paint one side of the house every year, your house gets repainted every four years. I 'm just saying.

I will count the number of sides on my house.

I will try not to succumb to the irresistible lure of cats and fail miserably.

What's a Kanye West?

I will not turn into Andy Rooney if I haven't already.

I will throw out more junk than I bring in (this should show up earlier on the list).

I will go to rehab for Dunkin' Donuts coffee at which for years I turned up my nose, and now without, I am unable to function.

I will find a good hamburger in Fairfield County.

I will use the crock pot and the juicer at least once in 2011.

I probably won’t buy an espresso machine even though I thought about it but I don't drink espresso even at Dunkin' Donuts. So…

I will try all the olive oil at Fairway.

I will celebrate 55 Disneyland-free years.

I will put off procrastinating as long as I can.

I will keep my Nobel Prize money.

I will try with all my might to get my column in by deadline although this one is already late. There is always next month.

Or next year.

Never put off for tomorrow what you should have done yesterday.